My Personal Cantor

Return, Again…..

Blogging is tough business.  When I first set out to join the blogging world, I thought it would be a piece of cake, a quick entry here and there, some longer and more meaningful than others – but, then the last month just blew by me, all without a single visit to my blog.  Now, I’m not Steve Pavlina, with hundreds of thousands of readers, but, mine is just as important to me, as his is to him.  I promised myself, that as SOON as Yom Kippur was over, I would get that first blog entry out there, right away.  Well, that was 11 days ago.

I gave myself every excuse in the world.  “I’m tired”, “my brain needs a break”, “I’m not feeling creative”, and every day, the guilt of not “showing up” get to me more and  more.  Until all of a sudden, I just found myself avoiding showing up, because I just didn’t want to deal with more guilt – till I realized, that the only way to get past guilt of not showing up – is to show up.  Here I am, world!

As I reflected on the lessons I took from my High Holiday experience, I remembered Danny Maseng’s song, Return Again, and the words which helped me remember, that no matter how far I go from my path, how far I get away from who I am meant to be, that G-d always gives me the most amazing gift – of time.  How many of us consider time to be our enemy?  Unwanted birthdays that reflect growing older, limited/finite resources of which there never seems to be enough?  But I remember today, that time is the greatest gift of all.

Time lets wounds heal.  It puts the greatest pain of our lives in the past, and someday, presents it as a mere shadow of something that happened, that is no longer prevalent today.  It is a gift that allows us to draw a line in the sand, and as often as we wish – to Return Again.  I heard those words ringing out to me the last few days, as I traveled up and down I-95 and the Turnpike, rushing, rushing, rushing, and I knew, that no matter how bad I felt, no matter how far I had gone from my ideal person, that each minute from G-d, was a gift that he leaves for me to unwrap, and use however I choose.

So here I am.  Returning again.  The High Holidays were amazing.  Stressful, and the most mentally demanding experience I have ever had.  But, the reward was incomparable to anything I have ever done.  I found such an amazing home at Temple Beth David.  The Conservative shul, with a modern day Rocking Rabbi, and an Education Director (Rose) that has a smile on her face at ALL times – makes you want to – you guessed it – Return Again.  Time after time.  And, after all – isn’t that what our faith is supposed to do?

My daughter called me last night.  She’s turning 21, and is very much caught in the turmoil of shedding her juvenile, teenage persona, and working her way into a young woman.  She is realizing that her actions have reactions, and while I give her a lot of credit for her strength of character, sometimes, her “Miss Thing” antics are a bit unbearable.  Well, she got a taste of her own medicine last night, and her antics came back to bite her.  She was devastated.  She’s such an amazing young girl.  As nice as can be, but quite opinionated and self entitled.  I always knew that she would mellow, but in order to do that, she would need a good taste of her own medicine, and it happened.  As she cried to me, and wondered how she could suddenly change the person she had been, to live more truthfully to the person she wanted to be – again – those words rang out.

G-d gives us a gift each morning, heck, each moment of the day and night.  It renews itself minute after minute.  It is the gift to Return Again – to the person we want most to be.  To the rituals we have come to know and love.  To the opportunity to shed a persona that no longer works for us, and put a newer, brighter, shinier, and more comfortable one on – without a single explanation.

Lauren can Return Again.  So can I.  So can we all.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to find the time to write about my month that just flew by, as I have so many delicious and exciting things around the corner to write about, but I will do my best.  Either way – I’m back.

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